It is so hard to breathe when you are standing all alone. Knowing you are alone in this world sometimes is the toughest part of life. Wanting to be alone, yet you truly desire the company of the one you love. It is so hard to accept facts in this lifetime that you only ever want to change. I feel that I am continually standing all alone in my day to day ventures. I wish those I love were not so far away and I could count on them to see me through all the tough times and low goes. It just isn’t the same when they are not by your side. When it all seems to be crashing down sometimes all I need is something to believe in. Too bad that something is hidden from my view. Sometimes I try to figure out where love went wrong. My conclusion is that love didn’t go wrong. Just those in love did. By relying too heavily on the other half you are jeopardizing the relationship without even realizing it. So I wonder now, is it possible to be too deeply in love? How do you know what forever is when you don’t even know yourself? Things keep me awake at night. I wish my mind would slow down and allow me to fathom all the things I should accept, but I have a problem to accept them. It’s just at night I have nowhere to hide. So to the sleepless this is my reply, lately I have not been dreaming, so what’s the point in sleeping?
Life is full of confusion. This confusion leads me once again to writing. My thoughts encase me. They circle me and torment me. Thoughts dare me to think about them even when I don’t want to. It is so hard to live life as a typical university student when life is nothing but typical. I sometimes wish my life was different from how it is, yet when I think that, and allow myself to venture into the unknown I stop in place. I feel guilty for wanting to know it all. I try to take the adventure out of life, which has been my biggest mistake of all. I have recently found that adventure is one of the most important things in life. By not knowing what is coming next you are given the opportunity to grab life and ride along. I have finally realized that life is not about reflecting on the past and its mistakes, but to look forward to all the good choices in your life. To accept the things as they come. Here I am in the best years of my life, I should love not knowing. This moment will never come back, yet many more amazing ones are down the line. The truth is, life is a series of moments and it is what you make it. Therefore make them the best moments yet.
Ever found yourself to be waking up and realize that you do not love life? I have continually been caught in this rut of waking up to this truth. This truth, whether known or unknown, it is still the way that my life is happening. It hurts when someone you love, and thought they loved you back, continually hurts you the same way day-in and day-out. I don’t even know how to describe the way you rip my heart out and taunt it. Perhaps it is just my head playing tricks on me, because it does do that, or maybe it really is you. Maybe you are not handling my fragile heart with the delicacy it needs. Perhaps it is okay to be alone. Perhaps it is okay to be weak, every once and a while. I guess it is like spilling coffee. Spilling cold coffee wouldn’t really matter, no harm no foul. But what about hot coffee, I’m going to get burned. My life used to be a full cup, but most recently an empty cup, with burns all over me.
I am so in love, it hurts. Even though I have him in my life day-in and day-out, it all hurts. All I want is to be with you. We have overcome so many obstacles in our relationship that it would be silly to quit now. It is still going to kill me when you leave, but I think we can make it through. You are all that I am. I am no longer a single person, it is us now. When you leave this summer I hope you will be able to continue the journey you are taking on your wonderful life. For all I know I might not be a part of that, but with all my heart I hope you can succeed in all you do. You have made such a difference in my life. When I hear your name all I think about are the amazing moments we have shared together over these many months. The thought of you brings a smile to my face. I am crazy for you, if you know it, or not.
Sometimes I wonder what the white noise in life is. There are times when we are dazed and all we hear are the things we want to hear. Sometimes we hear things wrong. Moments in life are always circulating. What if we take the things we hear and dwell on them too long. These moments will instantly disappear. Loving people is forgetting to listen to the white noise in life, only hearing what you want to hear. The timing of life is cruel; being unable to control our emotions and sequences is perhaps a good thing. If we controlled everything in life then where would the sense of adventure be? We wouldn’t be listening to the white noise anymore attempting to catch hidden details but only listening for what we want to hear. Filtering the sound, instead of just lying in it.
In this nightmare,sometimes all a person needs is to be in control. This control allows them to get a grasp on their life, their situations, their relationships and many other things. When we are unable to attain this control we decide to stay silent and just accept the things that come, like pills. Instead of staying silent we should speak softly, enough to be noticed but not entirely forceful. If this control is still out of our grasps then fight for life, and don’t lose sight of your dreams. I believe that when people lose sight of their dreams that is when it ends for them. If we are unable to fight for the things in life that we wanted the very most, at least for a little while, then it is our loss. Sometimes I feel like I am just a dreamer. I dream that things will be perfect. That things will all work out in the end. That all the things I have possibly been avoiding will sort themselves out in the end. I hate to say that this does not happen. Only by realizing my true desires, wants, needs and passions will I be able to find the truth. This is a long journey and a difficult one at that. When you force important decisions on a 19 year-old some things seem nearly impossible to solve, imagine or embrace; at least to me they did. With hard work anything is possible. Sometimes, I just wish I could know what I am falling into. I could realize things before they happen and allow them to influence me or not. With consideration this could be possible, but life is so fast paced that we don’t always have time to consider things that seem minor. In the end, these things are not so minor and turn into life decisions. When all that you knew was being alone, these new moments with you are everything I have waited for. Maybe believing this makes me naive and foolish in a sense, but all I know is that I want to be where you are. One thing is ours. I guess I just need to start breathing slowly and taking things one day at a time.
Sometimes I feel like I know a person. Other days I find they are entirely a different person. They become a stranger. When feelings change and people change it makes it easy to find yourself in a world of strangers. These people you once found as reliable companions are now becoming fractured fragments of dying memories. Then there are people you think can’t change; when in a blink of an eye it is all different. At least that’s my logic. But I stay here awake another night questioning my so called ‘logic’. What if they didn’t change? What if I am the one who is consistently inconsistent? Perhaps I am the wanderer. I guess I see others ‘changing’ becoming ’strangers’ … but maybe I am the person who is becoming the stranger. I guess nothing can stay the same in an ever changing world and we are all becoming strangers. Strangers? No stranger than I.
Fear; hello again. I guess I am just afraid of all the things in life that end; things that have a finish line. I sit here wide awake again; I guess this fear is something I call a friend. Sometimes we don’t hear the goodbye’s; and hello’s in our days. All my life maybe I have neglected to take notice of certain things; some of those being my day to day actions and the consequences of them. I recall my past and regret certain things and then I realize that I can’t really regret them; cause at one point in time everything I did was exactly what I wanted. Memories are sometimes all a person has left when them become shattered fragments of the now… yet to my curosity that isn’t possible since as a friend reminded me we shape who we become. We have the ability to change. I just need to hang on to all that I hold dear. Fear a friend?; well hello again.
Betrayal. Maybe that is just a minor incident but I don’t believe so. It is the worst form of hatred; at least thats what I believe. I mean can a person really hate me that much?
I guess there will always be things in this world that I don’t agree with and deception is one of them. I don’t like when people deceive others; doesn’t it defeat the entire purpose of integrity? I wish that people could stop the charade and just live life. But then again whats the point of living a life that people aren’t and cannot be proud of? I think that only once people find true beauty in their lives and dreams and are proud of them will all the charades end. Too bad this process sometimes takes a lifetime. I guess I need to stop my charade and remove the deceptions from my life before I can be truly satisfied with myself; but like I said too bad it takes a lifetime.
